toasted_sugar

So... I'm getting addicted to the internet again... Mostly because there's not much else to do besides read, watch tv, and avoid packing. I need to get away from this damned computer! At least I'm not sitting on it all day, though... That was a sad point in my life.

Tonight's dinner? Cilantro lime rice, steamed squash, and grilled shrimp. Yes, America, I am learning to cook. (The rice cooker & George Foreman grill is the best $50 I ever spent, I think).

Not sure what I want to tackle after this meal. I'm trying to vary my diet so that it's not all Mexican all the time. I find that I'm very stuck in my habits, though.

Did manage to head down to the Lake today and do 3 laps. I think by the end of the day I'll have my 10,000 steps, which was the goal. I should really do this every day. It was fun to listen to some music and walk and be kind of thoughtless.

I've begun cleaning the living room, but haven't quite finished. I need to do that before the day is out, and finish putting away clean clothes. It dawned on me today that I have 7 days until the movers come pick up all my stuff, so packing really does need to be moved up the priority list. I have packed 3 boxes now. It's a start.

I sold some DVDs the other day, and I'm thinking that when I go through my closet I might have a few clothing items to sell too. I wonder if Plato's Closet will take shoes. According to their website, yes, they do. Woot! I might make enough cash to support my diet coke habit until I leave Orlando! I love it.

Anyway... The rice cooker just popped, which means I have 15 minutes until it's ready. Time to start the squash & shrimp!

Jack has been serenading a bug that flew into the apartment for the last ten minutes. He doesn't realize that it's caught in a spider web. It's adorable.

Things are going well with Caesar. Lots of work, but also some really good times. I'm looking forward to Friday because the show will open and rehearsal will cease. Glad to be around good people, though.

Today has been excellent. I went to lunch with Sean. He got me to eat sushi for the first time ever. And not just the veggie kind, either. I ate raw fish. After that, we went to Big Tree Park, which was gorgeous. It's this little spot with a HUGE tree that's been there over 500 years. The trunk is over 24 feet in circumference, and the branches have all fallen back onto the ground, which creates this awesome canopy that has a ton of moss hanging down from it. It was beautiful, and pretty romantic. I really enjoy Sean.

Other than that, I've just been running errands and sleeping and doing laundry and such. I need to clean up before I go to bed this evening. I slept from about 4 to 8pm, so I should be up for awhile.

I forgot my mug every time that I went out today. This is highly unusual, and I ended up having to buy a big gulp. Okay, a double big gulp.

I just fought Jack over a baby lizard that had gotten in. Luckily, I beat Jack to the punch and trapped the lizard, who I named Leo and promptly released outdoors.

I'm just feeling good, and it's nice. Money issues linger, but they're consistently improving, so I'm ok with it. I just want to keep moving forward with things.

Also, I should try to cook something to eat this week before I go to bed. I guess I'd better get busy... But I'm watching "Rushmore", and it has Cat Stevens on the soundtrack.

Hell... It keeps me from writing about real life things... Stuff has been a little too heavy lately. I need to mull things over, but I feel like I have no time to do so.

And speaking of no time to mull over, work calls.

( Thanks, JG )

And stuff.

The Celiac Society:
http://www.celiacsociety.com/

Restaurants with GF Menus:
-PF Chang's http://www.pfchangs.com/cuisine/menu_spec.jsp
-Outback (read carefully - there are GFs and instructions by the things we can have) http://outback.com/ourmenu/pdf/glutenfree.pdf

GF Restaurant Lists (always question the fries!!!!):
-McDonald's http://www.mcdonalds.com/app_controller.nutrition.categories.gluten.index.html
-Wendy's (be careful of the chili - they often use burgers peeled off of buns for the meat!) http://www.penny.ca/Wendys.htm
-All the ingredients at Chipotle are GF, but they may get cross-contaminated. If you want to eat there, just order a bowl instead of a burrito (it'll have rice or lettuce on the bottom instead of using a flour tortilla as a holder).
-I wouldn't eat at Taco Bell anymore... I've heard bad things about everything they say is GF, and every time I eat there I get sick.
-Burger King http://www.bk.com/Food/Nutrition/NutritionInfo/index.aspx
-Subway (cross-contamination is a BIG factor here) http://subway.com/subwayroot/MenuNutrition/Nutrition/pdf/AllergenChart.pdf
-Chick-fil-a http://www.chickfila.com/gluten.asp

GF Flours & Grains:
http://www.csaceliacs.org/gluten_grains.php

Kraft GF Products (who we love, because even questionnable things like Modified Food Starch will say "wheat" next to them if it's wheat-y):
http://www.kraftcanada.com/assets/docs/KLG_all.pdf

Lipton GF List:
http://www.penny.ca/Lipton.htm

Frito Lay:
http://www.fritolay.com/fl/flstore/cgi-bin/ProdDetEv_Cat_306_SubCat_351852_NavRoot_361689_ProdID_364066.htm

Arby's, Jimmy Dean, Haagen-Daas, Tootsie Roll, Meats, Spices & Flavorings, Frito Lay, French's, Campbell's Cereal, Candy, etc etc etc:
http://www.glutenfreeforum.com/index.php?automodule=blog&blogid=27&

Searchable GF food database:
http://www.glutenfreeinfo.com/Diet/S-FoodList.htm

GF all kinds of things (starts with alcohols):
http://www.scottcarr.net/directory.html

Random list of GF products (salad dressings, vitamins, dairy, etc.):
http://www.kintera.org/site/pp.asp?c=ewK0LjP7E&b=254506

Just when you thought you were off the hook (GF meds):
http://www.glutenfreedrugs.com/list.htm

Work in T-1 hr 41 min. Still haven't read the script.


God, I suck.

After sending Nate (my ex in the navy) this e-mail last night:

Just wanted to check in and see how you're doing.

Been missing you lately.

I was greeted with this response this morning:

were not together...why are you checking in. No offense, but I miss my car and I miss my family-the two important things in my life....well three if you count my girlfriend. You dont seem to take a hint so I figured I'd have to be a bit nasty....







Mostly I'm sorry that I cared. I'm sorry that I bothered to actually try to be his friend. The weird thing about it is that HE actually e-mailed me last. It doesn't really matter though. I can't even dignify this e-mail with a response. Reading it felt like a punch in the gut... I hope he doesn't think that it was some kind of attempt to get back together. It certainly wasn't meant that way.

Every time that I get a message like this, or a friend says something that hurts my feelings, I really just want to wipe my slate clean and start over. I'm so tired of people who don't care how hard I try, who can never give back. And I'm tired of not standing up for myself because somewhere along the way I picked up on the fact that holding it all in and appearing not to care is sometimes a bigger slap in the face to the person who hurt you. Well, holding all this in is making a real mess of me.

Well...

SETC was crazy. I ran around like a mad woman trying to interview as much as I possibly could. Between that, schmoozing at the bar in the evenings, and my regular work schedule, I'm exhausted. Having two guests in my living room made things crowded and limited my time to rest.

All in all, it was a good experience. I got to see a ton of friends whom I had really been missing. There were others who weren't there that I would I have enjoyed seeing, but I understand.

I'm just crossing my fingers now in hopes of job offers. I'm trying not to get too excited, lest I totally get my hopes up and end up disappointed. (Unfortunately, my hopes are already up - obviously.)

The best part of the weekend for me was definitely getting to see Glynn. She's totally my second mom, and getting to catch up with her made me feel a lot better about things... Life in general. The sweetest thing that she said to me this weekend was "I want you to meet someone". (This is mostly so sweet because it comes on the heels of my mom saying "I hope you never fall in love".) I wish I could talk to her more often.

What else.... I was able to have a drink with a few of my current coworkers during the afternoon one day, which was awesome. We all felt like adults because of it. And Debbie said the sweetest thing. She just leaned over while we were drinking and said "right now, what I just saw, is that you really do belong in Italy". It made me feel special.

....Being single right now is good for me, I know.... But I also really want companionship, and it's hard to ignore that desire.

Ah well..... I guess it's back to the grind.

Oh yeah.... Also exciting, I've broken 160lbs! :-)

I finished reading "Miss Corpus" by Clay McLeod Chapman. It was, of course, an excellent read. I really enjoy his style, and once you get past the gritty details of his stories, the emotion is so palpable. Loved it.

I've also played around online. Read a bunch of craigslist posts and such. Also, been playing with the random function on the LJ user search. I used to play with that all the time back in the day. Now I just play once in awhile. I'm fascinated by the LJs in Russian type. I wish I could make some. :-)

I've only been up for about 9 hours. I have work in the morning. Poop.

Today I went for a walk around the apartment parking area and I made 19 cents! Who knew that walking could be so profitable.

Seriously, it makes me wonder what other parking lots people might drop change in. I figure any high-class mall will be mostly visited by those paying plastic, but maybe Walmart would be a good lot to walk?

Honestly, the idea of finding enough change to buy a diet coke refill (I get at least one 52oz refill at 95 cents a pop each day) is like a quest for me. Maybe I'm just being a total dork.

Regardless, it was good to get up and move around and just wander aimlessly for awhile.

Top 5 Bad Things on my Mind Tonight:
1. Not having been able to go to my Dad's birthday dinner tonight. He's 59 now.
2. Not knowing where I will be working after May 15, 2006.
3. Having $2.16 in my bank account (I've subtracted the coming month's rent and my water bill and this is where I end up).
4. My credit card payment not having gotten taken out of my bank account yet (it's due in 2 days, and I really don't want the late fee).
5. The gigantic zit on my chin that will not die.

Top 5 Good Things on my Mind Tonight:
1. The Goldie lip plump that I purchased a few days ago as a mini splurge (I have to treat myself a little not to go crazy on such a tight budget). I hope my lips are getting bigger.
2. Having had a good meeting with my boss this evening and knowing that I will be much more marketable after this internship.
3. The list of books that I created that I want to read. It's something around 100 of them... 130ish if you count the ones that I've already read but want to read again. It's a nice addition to my Netflix queue, which is catching me up on tv and movie media that I've been missing. Now I just need to find a way to work music into the mix. I think all my friends should make me CDs of their favorite songs and mail them to me. I need more exposure to random things that I don't know exist.
4. Mr. Jack being all cuddly. He really is a comfort to me. I don't know how I'd ever live on my own with no kitty.
5. The fact that, even with my current worries, nothing is terribly wrong. I'm a lot happier at this point than I was a few months ago, and it's a nice shift. I deserve to be in a good mood.

Other News....
I had a discussion about symbols/images/words/ideas that you think of when you think of people with a few coworkers today. The example I gave was this: When I think of my sister, I think of cowboy boots and an eagle (a very specific pair of boots and a very specific eagle shape). Anyway... Debbie says that I make her think of a pink star with a blue outline and fashionable clothes. Steph said that she thinks of light (versus dark) and pink (and its connotations about being girly). It was really interesting. None of those are things that I would necessarily associate myself with. This has been a very interesting accidental experiment to see what other people see in me versus what I see in myself.
Unfortunately, my mood was brought down later this evening by Zak putting me in a box and assuming I'll never get out of it. He always assumes that there's nothing more than my surface, and it frustrates me. How can our friendship ever grow when he won't talk to me about certain subjects (ie - his favorite movies) because he thinks I won't like them?! I mean... That's so stupid. Maybe one day he'll realize that he's being silly, but until then... I have to admit that I still have hopes that one day he'll realize that he's in love with me. God knows I still have a lot of feelings for him. I wish I could make myself let go. All these years and I'm still stuck.
But... This post was an effort to make me feel more positive... Thank God tomorrow's my day off. I have a lot to do before Cassie gets in on Tuesday night for SETC. I desperately need to clean and get organized, etc. And I have a better idea of what I want to hide this time. I feel like it's a little selfish of me, but I'm not looking forward to having my personal space and my daily routines interrupted by company... But that's why I live alone. And she assured me she wouldn't be here for such a long stay this time, but she's going to be here another 5 nights. Plus, Mikey and Todd are dropping in for the last 2 nights of her stay... It's going to be really crowded, and I bet I'm going to get irritated. I just hope they aren't too crazy. Still, I have to be grateful for the chance to see people from home. I've been lonely lately, and homesick. I really wish I could have gone home for Dad's birthday. Sometimes this job blows.
I think I'm going to go finish watching "Robin Hood" and then hit the sack... I'm exhausted. Might try to read a little of "Miss Corpus", which is awesome. Clay is a genius. Seriously. I wish I had half his talent.

So.... There's going to be this march here tomorrow. I have no intentions of going near this area downtown because I imagine it will be a mess. Read about it here.

Neo-Nazis are marching through a mostly African-American populated section of town and Orlando is having high police presence. I understand that the first amendment allows for this kind of demonstration, but.... Oh well. I just hope that nothing bad happens.

There's a big counter-demonstration group being formed too. I don't think it bodes well.

In an effort to be informed, I went to the National Socialist Movement website and read what they stand for (you can read that here ). I have to say that I do agree with some of their ideas... Better healthcare, better welfare regulations, but it's a shame that those ideas are settled in with such hatred and discrimination for anyone who isn't white and heterosexual. I guess they have their reasons, but I just don't agree.

Most of all, I was mildly concerned because this group is based in Virginia. Once again, my home state, which I love, is coming out looking dumb in front of an entire nation. Fantastic, VA... Way to go.

My day was just rough.

I seem to have caught some kind of cold that pops up overnight out of no where. I guess it could be allergies, but this seems more achey than that usually is.

Work was a long day and a little rough. Nothing in particularly bad, but I think feeling so gross did not help me deal with anything as well as I usually would.
I'm tired and I want to go to sleep, but I am overly awake.

I'm complaining. Yes, I am.

I have totally managed to gluten myself tonight. Fantastic. No more frozen fries. They only lead to trouble. I can't believe this is happening. I'm totally going Fit For Life again. It'll be rough, but it'll be good for me too.

I hate it when this happens. It really gets me down.

Update on my 2006 Goals:

1. Budget my money better.
I'm totally budgeting my money better. And I'm proud of myself for it. I know what will be paid and when, and I'm hoping to pay off my last credit card by April or May. I'm keeping track of what I spend and where, and I'm doing much better in terms of taking care of my finances. Also, I did open a savings account, so that's good. It's not getting any income at the moment because it's more important that I pay off the credit card, but I'm doing well.

2. Stay gluten free.
I'm doing pretty well with this one. Cooking at home and double checking my ingredients has helped a lot. I have my symptoms down to a science and I'm even able to nail down what products that I think are ok that are really not. It's fantastic. I'm losing weight still, which is awesome, but I really wish that I could lose it faster. I had planned to run today, but a hangover prevented that one. Still, progress is being made.

3. Keep my apartment clean.
It's not spotless, but it's going pretty well. I'm proud of myself. Every once in awhile things get out of hand, but I've kept to a full cleaning once a week. Too bad I still can't seem to get vacuuming in. I hate vacuuming.

4. Take better care of myself as a spiritual being.
I'm getting better. I write in my journal a ton... Often more than once a day. I've started praying on occassion, but not terribly often. It's an interesting experience for me. I haven't been reading about religion like I wanted to, but that's because I've picked up on fiction reading and Netflix. I'm proud of myself, nevertheless.

Overall, I feel like I've been making serious leaps and bounds in my personal growth this year. It sounds stupid, but I think I want to start collecting cacti. I want more plants in my life, and I was given a tiny one as an opening gift for Crusoe. I think it would be good for me to have more life in my apartment. Ah yes, Jack is doing well, too.

Anyway... It's time to get to work. I used to be afraid to write in such a public forum, but I think I'm reclaiming my space here now.

It's time for me to start writing again... Sometimes, anyway. I've been really disconnecting myself, and I'm ready to make a comeback. I want to rediscover myself.

This is the first time in a long time that I have felt like maybe I could make changes in my own life. And so, I gave some real thought to what I want for 2006 on a personal level. This is the first time in years that my resolution won't be "Get skinny". That's a good thing.

So, you priviledged few who get to read this, please help me get back on track. Remind me that I can change my own future. I certainly need the reminding. I'm still working on these, but it's a good start, I think.

Emily Carter’s Goals for 2006:

1. Budget my money better
a. Eat out less
b. Finish groceries that I bring home
c. Limit spending on “stuff”
i. Really consider the need vs. want aspect of purchasing
ii. Think cheaper!
d. Put X amount of each paycheck into a “savings” system
i. Save enough money to open a savings account
2. Stay gluten free
a. Eat out less
b. Eat out only when I KNOW it’s ok
c. Monitor my body more closely – especially when I feel sick
d. Keep a food journal of what I eat so I can track down any problems
3. Keep my apartment clean
a. Establish a routine of chores and stick to it
i. Wash the dishes daily
ii. Take out the trash more often
b. Put laundry into the bags regardless of how tired I am
i. Re-organize closet/dresser area to allow better flow of clothing in use
4. Take better care of myself as a spiritual being
a. Write in my journal at least a couple times a week
b. Find a way to reward myself that will not make me acquire stuff or spend money on food
i. Monthly pedicure & manicure?
ii. New CD on my iTunes every month?
c. Explore my religious side
i. Read the Bible
ii. Research religions besides Christianity
iii. Try meditation
iv. Start working out or walking to reduce stress

**Update: Sorry the outline format is poo.

Wow... Ok... So it's been awhile. I wouldn't even be updating, but I'm hours away from tech on a huge show and I can't sleep. It's not because I'm nervous. It's not because I went out last night and had 4 glasses of wine. It's because when I went out last night I had some kind of contaminated food. Fuck being gluten-free. This freaking sucks. At least before I was sick all the time, so I was used to it. Now I'm just really, really sick when I eat something that has wheat in it. I know it sounds like an exaggeration, but I really do just want to die right now because I feel so disgusting.
Now that I've had a couple times that I *know* I've glutened myself, I think I really need to buckle down. I mean, it's horrible to start with this feeling of "oh god, I can't breathe" and then have your nose get all stuffy and runny and whatnot... But this time I'm also waking up with terrible gas that just makes the entirety of my abdomen hurt and swollen. I feel like vomitting, but I know it won't make things any better, and I'm just waiting for the diarrhea to begin. I just hope I'm feeling better when 9 am rolls around and I'm at work.
I don't know why I have such a hard time making myself stick to a diet that's safe for me. I guess because it takes work and planning and sticking with it, and those are things that I have never been very good at doing for myself. But I've been getting better about it lately, and I think tonight might be the last straw.
I really want to take a Tums, but I'm afraid that I really will vomit. And, oh God, the Tums website says that they may contain trace amounts of gluten. Jesus, I hate this.

Ian's 9

1. I love your smile,
2. your eyes,
3. your tummy,
4. your self determination,
5. your kindness,
6. that you can't change light bulbs in richmond apartments,
7. you're not crazy like some of my female friends,
8. you're not a prude, and
9. you're not flakey/flightly/bubbly

Brett's 10
1. she has great hair
2. she knows how to make a space feel homey
3. she takes care of the people around her
4. she takes care of details
5. she makes a great lesbian sister to me
6. the takes in stray cats even though she has no more room.
7. she can laugh at herself
8. she knows how to flirt like a crazy lady
9. she listens to other's problems
10. she is brave. she takes the inniciative , picks up and moves to a different state outside of her safetly zone, and she is still there! some people never make it that far, and if they do, they get scared and turn around and come home with their tails between their legs